Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
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Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
My last name is Zilla.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
🏙👨🏼
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
relationship goals
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism