friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
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me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Is anyone gonna tell them?
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
*pronounces patio like ratio
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.