FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
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Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”