friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
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I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.