Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the theater

Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?

Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”

Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?

Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire

GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

[texting mom]

u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

Friend: How are you doing?

Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.

Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh

Well there goes my Wednesday night.

“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”

– said no mom, ever

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

[blind date]

Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.

Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.

Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!

Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time