Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
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flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
I finally found a reason to live again.