FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
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A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Simple
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
had to share :’)
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur