Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
You Might Also Like
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”