Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
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If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
“what’s it like having a sister?”
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I cannot call her anything else now
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly