FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
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“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
no one ever comes back
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.