@david8hughes

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

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@GreenishDuck

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

@ThatRascalPuff

No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*

@zebrasyndicate

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

@drebastion

Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is

@DBMaxP

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

@SlappNuttz

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

@TEXASVETERAN

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

@Reverend_Scott

RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-

[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

@bransonreese

Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.