My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
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No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
then why did i get this email
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.