Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
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I hope it’s French Onion!
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Monday Lisa
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.