Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
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The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*