Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
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My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)