Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
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Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?