Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
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The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.