Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
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There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
I laughed at this way too hard.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.