FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
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Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.