Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
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date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.