Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
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I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”