Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
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If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Auto correct is my worst enema.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*