Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
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ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Well, that didn’t work.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope