@druuuck

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

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@jctwritesstuff

*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*

@elle91

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography

@ericbove

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

@GaryLineker

It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.

@fro_vo

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

@david8hughes

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

@handsforkeys

Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.

@DaddyJew

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

@marinarachael

My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.

@tastefactory

Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business