Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
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Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves