Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
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Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.