Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
You Might Also Like
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T