friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
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[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Don’t forget to tip your server
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.