Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.

“Sookie!”

-70% of True Blood dialogue

Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

[During sex]

Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.

If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?

INTERVIEWER:

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”

When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

person: calm down

me: *calm immediately goes up*

Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”

“It’s my carrion.”

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw

Survivor: The Dryer Edition.

Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago

I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.