Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally

That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.

2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.

2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.

2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about

Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.

I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.

Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.

(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?