Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?

co-worker with a ponytail: karate

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:

22 month old son: When’s she going back?

Me: Back where?

Son: To her house at the hospital.

Me: She lives with us now.

Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.

PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.

I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit

A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.

Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?

*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped