friend: should i have kids?

me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.

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When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.


*dad walks in on me doing homework*
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”


When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver


I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.


Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.


I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.


*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*


i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed


There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.


If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)