Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
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Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Happy thanksgiving!
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
dutch is not a serious language
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
me after eating Cheetos
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take