Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?

me measuring the ceiling: no idea.

Feels like there should be a middle ground

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

Me: *talking to teen daughter*

Teen: I can’t hear you.

Me: *unplugs WiFi*

Teen: I HEARD THAT!

pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign

Most googled search terms today

Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?

After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?

[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak

He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

her: [texts something funny]

me: [types hahahaha]

me: [stares at it]

me: [deletes one ha]

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys

HEART: yay!

ANXIETY: idk about this

INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.

Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.