FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
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Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
me, after any kind of buffet.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
my one true gender
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people