Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
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*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks