Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
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[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.