Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
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Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.