friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
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CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Sharon I have some bad news
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement