Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
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And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Just a friendly reminder!
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth