Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
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In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Hank is one in a melon.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.