Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?

caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty

liiiiiiiiike

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

Me: “Are you even listening to me?”

My son:

Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.

Executioner: This is literally your last meal.

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.

ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today

ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE

ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro

the clam before the storm

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it

Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.

ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones

CORONER: no

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever

Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”

Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”

When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture