Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
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Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place