friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
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There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.