friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
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I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
KFC hitting the cannibal market
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.