Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
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Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.