friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
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Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…