friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
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i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.