Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
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if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Love this one 😂🧟