friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
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My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Those are good neighbors.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase