Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
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I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
I’ll be mad as hell!
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course