FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
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I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.