Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
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*praying for world peace*
God:
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes