Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
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People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.