friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
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At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Not all heroes wear capes.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.