friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
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Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.