Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
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At least he brought enough for everyone
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Whoa… oh I see lol
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.