Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
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remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Meanwhile in Portland…
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.