Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
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If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.